life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
