At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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