you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
