Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize