I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
