So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I just found puke in my bra..
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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