You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
