I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
