it's too hot outside to masturbate.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
