Already got asked if we're dating
is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
