I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
