She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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