It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
