There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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