I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
