Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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