I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize