true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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