Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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