Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
