you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
