something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Randomize
