My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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