In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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