I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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