dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
