You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
