i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
