I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
