So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
