if you like me you must not know who I am
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize