she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
