Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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