You're a womanizer and a bitch.
this beer tastes like vomit already
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
