No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
