I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
