I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
