Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
