but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
