Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
