Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
