Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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