Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Randomize
