I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
