i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
