If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
