I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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