I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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