I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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