We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
There r osticjed everywhere
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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