I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
