i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
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