Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
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