Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
