this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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