a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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