My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize