finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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