Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
