Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
