I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
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