And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize