I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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