it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
The chlamydia really affected his face.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
