I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Use "feeling words"
Yay
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
