He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Someone shattered a urinal.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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