my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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