Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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