I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
