I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Drunk is not a location!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
