Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
